Exactly 3 months after that day, I started a new job thinking that as a Children's Services caseworker I would finally be able to fix the world and help these children.
I could not have been more wrong.
My hands are so tightly bound by laws and regulations I wouldn't have a chance in the world to give a hurting child a hug, or even a pat on the back. I am caught in a web of time lines and deadlines that prevent me from taking the time to truly learn about the family which I must create a plan which is supposed to "fix" them.
I am surrounded by so much hurt, so many years of abuse and neglect which have created whole generations of people who don't have any idea what a family is supposed to be. I am surrounded by so many stories which should make my heart ache within me, but I can just turn to the next page to learn what other hideous acts were taken against these children who had their innocence ripped away from them at such a young age.
Being so surrounded by so much brokenness, more often than not, I forget to hurt.
I forget to let it get beneath the surface. I forget I should cringe when I hear about a fifteen year old girl who just went home with a thirty-three year old man she met on the street and had sex with him because he said he would buy her supper at White Castle. I forget it's not normal for children to be born positive for marijuana and methadone. I forget it's not right for a woman to be pregnant with her twelfth child, with the other eleven already placed in foster or adoptive homes.
I don't mean to forget,
I really don't.
I really don't.
But, at the same time, it is required for survival. If I took a moment to mourn for each injustice, I would never have time to turn to the next page of the file. So I must construct some sort of a barrier between my heart and the world I step into every morning and struggle to leave behind every evening.
While I can go through most days and keep the necessary distance from my work for me to maintain a finger hold on my own sanity, sometimes something happens that gets me...
- I saw a co-worker leading two children who appeared to be about 2 and 4 through the hallway. The four year old ran ahead and the worker said "yup, the same room we were in the last time." There's a room on my floor that's designed to be a place where children who suddenly come into our custody can go and play while we search for a home for them. A four year old is not supposed to know what this room looks like. A four year old is certainly not supposed to remember where the room is.
- The look in the eyes of a twelve year old girl as she stood in the door way watching her first foster mom sign a "30 day to vacate" notice, stating the mom did not want the girl in her home anymore. This was less than three weeks into the placement and I've had to move this girl 7 times in two and a half months. And this was after her legal guardian had signed a “voluntary agreement of care” which gave custody of her to us. Oh, and her mom had voluntarily given up custody ten years prior.
I guess I don’t have much more to say. I realize I don’t have a point to this random blurb. I guess the moral of the story is I have learned that if my goal is to protect children and families, Children’s Services is not the way to do it, at least not as long as the current laws and current court system stands over us and tells us exactly what to do.
On one final note, I must say, for the sake of all child welfare workers in the world: We are not “baby snatchers”. We do not like to take children away from their homes. Let me repeat that, we do not like to take children away from their homes. It is not something we look forward to, it is the last resort on our list of things to do. Certainly, if it is a very unsafe environment we will do whatever is necessary to protect the child, but foster care is not our first choice. Not only do we know that children are usually better off with a less than perfect birth family than with a perfect foster family, but, to be honest, it’s far too much work for us to take a child into custody. In my county it means filling out a 36 page document which must be submitted to the people who search for foster homes. Then a many page court complaint must be completed and submitted to the court, followed by at least 3 days of court spread over the next month. But, regardless, if it’s the one thing you remember from anything I’ve ever said, know that child welfare workers will do whatever it takes to protect a child, but we do not like to take them away from their homes.
Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes courage
is the small quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
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